This is not a story for the faint of heart. However, if you feel like dying with roaring laughter, then please, read on.

Today was the day my new ‘dairy’ sink was being installed. I went on a hunt and searched for a stainless steel sink and soon realized I couldn’t afford a new one.  I searched all over for a used one.  I put out ads, called restaurants and sent emails to no avail.  Lo and behold, my sweet sweet fellow farm girl friend of Busy Bee Acres happened to have one sitting outside of their old ranch house about 10 minutes away.  They had no use for it and she offered to sell it to me.  It literally was the exact dimensions of my wall and even better than what I needed.  In fact, I loved it so much that I took pictures of it and sent them to my parents to show them my new pride and joy.  Here, just look at it, I bet it will make you smile too.

Today was the day it was getting installed in my garage. The plumber had already reprimanded me for getting something ‘old’ and ‘used’ for him to install and he even tried to talk me out of it.  As convincing as I may be at times, this plumber man doesn’t give me an inch.  In fact, when I asked him if he thought it was so cute, he said ‘NO.’  I like the man, simply for that fact that I like the challenge.  He is a no nonsense, what are you getting me into, you are going to have hell to pay…kind of guy.

I was only home for a short bit on my lunch break. I figured now wasn’t the time to convince him how cute the sink was, so I carried on and headed into the house.  He left me with the words “if you flush the toilet on me, I’ll charge you.”

(He had to cut the drain line in half down in the crawl space under the house)

As I was inside tidying up the house, those words were ringing in my ears. I was thinking “so I can’t flush the toilet and I can’t use any water?”  …Pondering how that would hinder what I had to do.  So my kind husband came in to give me a short briefing of what to expect and as he was speaking all I could think about was all of the water I had just drank.  I then naturally just blurted out “so if we can’t flush the toilet, can I still use the toilet and just not flush it?”  My husband smiled and said “yes.”  He even reminded me, “just don’t flush it”.

“Okay!” I said. I quickly exited the conversation and headed to the bathroom…the whole time thinking “don’t flush”.

What happened in the one second that it takes to exit the bathroom after relieving ones self… I don’t know.

But I flushed the toilet.

In slow motion, I started yelling “Oh no no no no no” and in about 2 seconds I came flying out of the bathroom yelling “TELL HIM TO GET OUT OF THE WAY BECAUSE I JUST FLUSHED THE TOILET!!!!”…then thinking he could maybe hear me down in the dungeons of my house I yelled “RICK GET OUT OF THE WAY, I JUST FLUSHED THE TOILET!”

My husband who by nature is incapable of moving fast took about 5 huge sasquatch steps across the house to the back room where the entrance to the crawl space was. He calmly said “she just flushed the toilet.”

At this point, I was looking for a corner to crawl in and die. “Maybe I should just run out the front door and leave?” I thought.  NO, how could I leave someone in my crawl space in this condition?  I all of a sudden was sickened by the fear of my plumber.  He isn’t going to be laughing and he is probably going to be pissed.  How pissed?  Probably bad word pissed.  So not cool.  SO not recoverable.  SOOO going to have to go dye my hair and change my identity because I just lost all of my dignity. I really wanted to leave the state.  All I could picture was this poor plumber sitting with an open pipe in his lap that just dumped a bunch of waste water on him.

By this point my husband was walking back toward me and I still had my hands glued over my mouth in sheer shock. He said “he hasn’t cut the line yet, you’re fine”.

Oddly enough, I felt no relief. I literally just lived what felt like eternity believing that I had peed on another human being…who was in my crawl space, on his knees, probably with the drain pipe in his lap.  Or I guess I was just hoping it was that low.  Who am I kidding?  It was probably at face level.

I just looked at my husband and said “I have to leave”. Rarely does my husband ever direct me sternly to do something, but this time he pulled the parent/child move on me.  He said “No, you aren’t leaving.  You are going to walk to that back room and apologize for almost peeing on him.”  I said “I can’t.  Seriously babe, don’t make me do it.  I can’t even live with myself right now.”  He said “I’ll hold your hand but you are walking back there right now.”  I quickly realized it will be much easier to talk to a crawl space hole than the actual plumber, in person.  So I headed back to the room and knelt down by the crawl space.  I said “Rick??”.  He said “What.”  I said “I’m sorry I almost peed on you”.  After a bit of a pause, he said “It wouldn’t have killed me”.  I said “Yes it would have”.  I said “Do you like raw milk?  Like from a cow?”  He said “No, not really, but I haven’t had it in awhile.”  I said “I’ll give you some to take home anyway.”  He said “Why?  To finish me off?”

“No Rick!  You just have to trust us…well not 10 minutes ago, but you can trust us now.”

My husband then reminded me to start thinking. I then reminded him that I WAS thinking, but it was habit…

…habit happens without thinking….and apparently not everyone loves fresh milk.